Thursday, January 12, 2006
That's how I feel today. Like I've lost control, like I don't know if I'm doing things right, I'm questioning my judgment and even feel guilty about this little pleasure, sitting here and typing this out. Last night was a strange night in this household and because of all the events I ended up going to bed mad at hubby and big sis. I even went to sleep in the guest bedroom, which I do once in a while anyways when hubby has one of his major snooring episodes.
The preschoolers constantly clamor for my attention and have been like cats and dogs all week, mom I want this, I want that, he touched me, he hit me, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, I don't want to go to bed, etc. etc.
The pre-teen is hormonal. I was helping her with some of her homework, trying to make this text she wrote sound a little better, trying to get her to achieve a bit more of excellence rather than settling for mediocrity, and she got mad at me, so under my breath I said "f**k it", and told her "fine, you do it on your own". Seems like I've lost all my patience with her lately. Tired of telling her the same stuff over and over. I've become the dreaded nagging mom : make your bed, pick up your clothes, put your stuff away, go take a shower, etc. Hubby tells me I'm too tough on her. I just want her to do the best she can. Before she went to bed I told her how she made me feel, like crying actually, and told her I'm no longer helping her unless she asks for it and that tomorrow its a new start.
Meanwhile, hubby comes home claiming to have had a rough day, so what else is new and what about mine? Drive kids back and forth to school, to gymnastics lessons, to grocery store, make beds, do laundry, fold laundry, devise meal plan, dry wet mitts and snowpants, stop several squabbles, inherit 2 extra neighbourhood kids after school AND drag two screaming and kicking four year olds to the doctor for a shot. All this with a major head cold? He starts complaining how he's had enough of women bickering at work now he has to come home to hear more bickering. After the kids were in bed, we had a dozen or so boxes of Christmas stuff to stash in the basement and he just looked at them and me and said "well I'm off to bed, I'm pooped", so guesss who put everything away, alone.
This staying at home business can be so degrading at times and dehumanizing. Seems everyone throws their demnads on me and I feel like I'm catering to all their needs with NO recognition. All I'm asking is for a thank-you once in a while and yes a little help would be great too. Seems ever since I've been home, hubby is doing less and less cuz he figures I'm home , right?, so I can handle it all, I'm responsible for everything. YET, even though I've been getting a few job offers lately, my heart is not ready to go back there, I'm still happier being here.
All right, enough with the venting. Better go get ready, twins have their first skating lesson today. At least I get to witness that :)
Today, I'm definitely "hanging in there"