bleeding hearts

I've been missing in action. Where has the past week gone? Who knows. But I felt lousy. And grumpy. Snapping at the kids. No patience. Constant throbbing headache. Maybe from the constant downpours. Mad at all the skeeters preventing us from enjoying the outdoors. I was angry and sad. Dwelling in self-pity. And couldn't shake it off. Day after day. And no, not even PMS time. Was starting to worry me. Chemical imbalance in my brain? Early sign of menopause? I know my mom had quite a rough time with it and I really worry about going through the same. Vitamin, mineral deficiency? Lack of sleep? Yep, the kids have been waking up with asthma. Lack of exercise? Oh yeah. Exercise and diet, my enemy and foe. A while back, I started a walk/run program (thanks nancy) and consciously being careful with my diet. My goal was to be part of the 5K RunOttawa Race this past week-end. And then life and all its demands got in the way and I'm not even sure how it all happened but long story short, hubby went for the 5K run along with a whole bunch of friends and I stayed home with the kids. Pissed me off, for not having stood up for my initial goal. Pissed off that with all the exercise and diet changes, my weight has stayed the same and my winter fat is still hanging, literally, around. Pissed at my constant single parenting: hubby either works, is out golfing, biking or literally out of town. I know he works hard but resent how he comes home and that's that, its relax time for him, very little help around the house. Pissed at wanting to feel selfish for a change. Tired of taking care of everyone and everything: the meals, the laundry, the housework, the constant picking up after all the others, tired of living with 4 slobs and packrats, the shopping for this and that, bill payments, organizing renovations, organizing kids lives and activities, etc, etc. Just like Dani said today in her blog:

...and take a look at the inside of my house and want to cry. There’s grass on the carpet. There’s dirty footprints on the linoleum. There’s dishes stacked in the sink. There’s unfolded laundry spilling out of the basket, now hopelessly wrinkled. Drawers full of toys have been dumped and shelves of books have been emptied

Obviously my cup was full. Wasn't coping well with life's demands. Seems to happen every once in a while when enough is enough and I'm about to explode. I needed to do something. So last Thursday I managed to back out at the last minute of something I had volunteered to do at the kids school and went to a new fancy hair salon and had my hair cut and colored. Ahh, to have someone take care of me for a change. Didn't solve all my problems but got me going in the right direction. Then went out and bought new sunglasses (hopeful that the sun would eventually re-emerge) and a new top. And slowly the cloud lifted. Figuratively and literally. And to quote Dani again:

I’m a summer child – the heat rarely bothers me, and a stretch of sultry summer days does more for my mood than a whole bottle of xanax would.

I managed to get some time to myself over the week-end and started weeding and planning my gardens. Pure therapy for my soul. Throw in there fantastic weather complete with hours swimming in our pool, so got to wear my new sunglasses, and a three generational family outing to see the Cirque du Soleil (thoroughly enjoyed by all) where I got to wear my new top and new hairdo ;)

And now I feel even better having written it all down.