Thursday, October 04, 2007

still hurts

Yesterday was my yearly physical and big sis' too. We went together; but she goes in on her own now, sigh, big girl that she is. But the doc then tells me everything that went on ;)

Long story short, I needed an Xray and figured we'd go right away to the lab as it was just down the street and a quiet time of the day we were told. I walked in to that particular lab and right away a major chill went right through me. Last time I was there was precisely 15 years ago. When I checked in, they had my address of 15 years ago which really confirmed it.

That day, in that lab, was not a happy day at all. I had just suffered a miscarriage at 4 months with my first pregnancy. A trip to the hospital confirmed it but they wanted an ultrasound to see if "everything" was expulsed and rule out the need for a D&C. (not sure if they even follow that protocol these days). So off to this lab we went. I hadn't cried at all up until the point where the technician put her probe up you know where. The sobs started coming out uncontrollably. She had the worst bedside manners and was giving me heck for moving so much while she was trying to "see". A black day in my life for sure.

As I was sitting there in the reception room, all those emotions came right back up. I actually had tears in my eyes. Why is it that after all those years it still hurts? I was sitting there looking at my beautiful soon to be 13 year old daughter and thinking how she could have had an older brother or sister. I was also definitely counting my blessings on having healthy and beautiful children.

Oh the heartaches of motherhood.


snackmommy said...

You have captured your emotions beautifully as I now "still hurt" for you. Your comment about your daughter having an older sibling was particularly poignant {{{hugs}}}.

DaniGirl said...

Oh... now I have tears in my eyes, too.

This summer, I brought the boys to the pediatric after-hours clinic on Carling - I can't even remember why. And I too had to choke back tears as I realized that it was to this same clinic that I came seven years ago while in the throes of my first miscarriage... and like you, I hadn't been back since, but the feelings were still raw, surprisingly close to the surface.

I also remember the next day how cold the Riverside Urgent Care staff seemed to be about my miscarriage at the time. They sent me home and told me to take some tylenol for the contractions and come back in two hours for an ultrasound. What an awful afternoon.

Thanks for sharing this most intimate, sad and painful moment. I'm so glad you have your beautiful children to hug today.

kate5kiwis said...

i am *so* with you on the memories, i've had four miscarriages, each really awful and sad. i wonder *who* i might meet one day.
eric clapton's tears in heaven song makes me wonder... and cry... every time i hear it.
sending you the love X

nancy said...

Please accept this ***hug***


BeachMama said...

I didn't get a chance to comment the other day, but wanted to stop back in and send you some loving hugs. My thoughts are with you. I don't think the hurt will ever truly go away, but I hug and kiss the two I have lots and lots to try and make up for it.

Loukia said...

Very sad. I'm sorry... certain memories can trigger things we don't always want to remember details of... for me, it's the smell of Purell, even though I use it often. That reminds me of when my son had to be admitted into CHEO for 10 nights with his UTI. The worst days of my entire life. Amazing how we got through it, but we did, and now I've aged like 20 years.
Anyway... sorry.