Warning: self-pity post, no need to read further, this is an exercise in self-preservation by writing randomn thoughts down.
So I've been working like a madwomen these past weeks organizing year end parties and making new bedrooms for the kids. Moving furniture, washing, re-organizing, buying new bedding, etc. I work, work, work and its all about them. That's what moms do, right?
Yesterday at the graduation party, I could see kids running to their parents for hugs and kisses, getting family portraits. I didn't get that and it hurt. Even though I worked so hard to organize it. Then it dawned on me. Those parents getting all the hugs were mostly working parents who made an extra effort to be there. Guess its expected for us SAH moms to be there and be involved so its no big deal. Do we become less appreciated cause we are always there?
Get home last night and ask them what they would like to eat and big sis replies in that pre-teen arrogant voice that just grates your nerves: "you're the mom, you figure it out". That hurt. Today they were going to Montreal (Biodome and La Ronde) as a year end trip. I asked her if she needed my help to get her things ready. That same voice: "I'm old enough to take care of myself!!". That hurt. I say, to myself, no you're not. You certainly needed me last week when you had that stomach flu. A while later, a friend of hers calls. I give her the phone and she goes to the other room to talk. When she comes back, I ask her: "so what's up with your friend?" That same pre-teen voice answers: "you don't need to know everything in my life!!" That really hurt. Now I'm mad. I explode: "No, I don't need to know everything in your life but your tone of voice and your attitude is downright offensive. Since you don't seem to need me, I'm leaving!!!" I then hopped in the car, drove around a few blocks, listened to some really loud rock n'roll and tried to calm down. God this motherhood job stinks at times. Am I loosing it?
Came back, things were better. The rainbow after the storm. Then hubby shows up late from work. She's all sweet as pie, greets him with major hugs: "oh dad, I have so much to tell you and show you!!" See, there's my theory again. Working parent gets all the accolades. He never reprimands much either, since he's not always around. I'm the nagging, authoritative one, so guess I get the short end of the stick.
This morning she has to be ready by 7:15. I get up early to get her lunch and breakie going. Again gives her dad one big hug before she leaves, tells him she loves him so much and how escited she is about this outing. Then the doorbell rings, her friend is there to pick her up to go to school. She grabs her stuff and leaves. No goodbye mom. Not a glance back. no thank-you. That really, really hurt. Sat in the family room with tears in my eyes. And then the pre-schoolers both came over to hug me and tell me they love me. Had to smile :) And thought to myself better enjoy this now cause in a few years, the hugs may be scarce.
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out,...